Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
