haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
