I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
time to smoke my breakfast
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
