imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
