I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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