No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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