my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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