and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
