Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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