Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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