Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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