I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
