Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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