i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
