Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
