god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize