I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Boobs speak an international language.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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