The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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