I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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