I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
