dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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