I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
