before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
