i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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