I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I didn't notice because vodka
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
