He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize