Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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