you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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