I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
