i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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