last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
