the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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