He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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