I faked an abortion last night.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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