She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
