really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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