I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
