i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize