Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
