I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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