She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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