no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
