Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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