I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
