if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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