just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
