My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
