Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
