just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
