pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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