Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
