when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
