He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
