i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
