Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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