and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize