My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
