two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
