I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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