I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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