3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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