dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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