hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
