i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
