I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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