well I can't set my house on fire every night
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Terrible idea I love it
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I pour the whiskey from now on
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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