peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
