Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
