is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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