I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
