"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
