I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
