i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
this is an emotional support booty call
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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