Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i dont even know how to be here
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You took a bar mat shot.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
