My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
