Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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